I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
