HIV tests are more positive than that guy
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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