I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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