You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
