he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
whose parrot is this?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
