Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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