he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just googled if crying burns calories
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
