I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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