once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
