btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
