i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
