worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sober January is a disaster.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
