WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I party with great urgency now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
