U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
