I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
