Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
