Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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