buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
