No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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