my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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