when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
