talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
