you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
