I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I didn't notice because vodka
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
