just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
