She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Be still, my beating vagina.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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