youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
