Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
