can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
