what day is it and did you see me today?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
