some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
