HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
