dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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