Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
