Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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