i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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