A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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