Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
