My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
