Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
