My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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