Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
