i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
