His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
