I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
