I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
