That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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