I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
