i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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