you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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